So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
