Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
