I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
