just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
