i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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17 year olds will be the death of me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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