You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
