I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
