You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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