The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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