haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
