the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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