you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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