..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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