i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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