She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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