Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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