yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
