Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
