that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
