The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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