I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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