First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
