the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
