Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
