I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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