just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
