If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
