I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
