I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
