How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The air was thick with penises
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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