Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
