opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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