just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
