dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
