I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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