I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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