My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
