That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
