there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
