Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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