You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
