new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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