you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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