Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
