fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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