a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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