she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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