He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
