I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
