God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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