I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
