Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
