I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
