Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
