he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he was CRYING into my vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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