Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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