ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
