I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
