i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
