the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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