There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
50% drunk capacity currently
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
