see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize